Happy Monday y'all.
It's been a while.
Work, work and more work but this time I can actually add life, life, and more life.
I'm not one for blogging about my personal life. I'm a very private person with the exception of talking about my marriage, my awesome husband and the beauty of life every now and then. BUT life isn't always beautiful and we have to accept that part of life as well because after all THAT IS THE REALITY OF LIFE!
I mentioned on my blog a while back that I was making some changes to my business because Eric and I wanted to focus on growing our family. This was something we had been trying to do prior to that business decision but I decided that I wanted to have even more time for my family and more time for myself to be completely honest so I made that business decision official. The time was well spent and focused on what I truly wanted but the growing of our family never came.
I have had
Endometriosis ever since I was a child. I don't really need to go into the details of it but it's an extremely painful and incurable disease that affects 5.5 million women in the United States, Canada and many millions more through out the world. I've always been concerned that this disease could affect me having a baby one day but it was always a thought I kept way deep inside and out of sight. Every now and then I would bring the issue up to doctors but they would always dismiss it with the same response "oh you're so young, you don't need to worry about that right now!" So on I went with my life.
We tried and we tried.
We went to a Holistic doctor.
I tried supplements after supplements.
Diets after diets but still........ nothing.
Over two years later the response I would continue to get from doctors regarding my condition just wasn't working for me anymore and my Endometriosis continued to worsen. Two
Dilation and Curettage procedures later I wanted answers and I wasn't going to stop until I found them. Blood tests, exams, I was at the doctors what seemed like every day. Exhaustion, depression, anxiety, sadness, pain. I felt it all. I wanted nothing more then to know why I wasn't getting pregnant but the process was taking a huge tole on my well being and mental state so I took a break. I needed time to step back, relax and reflect.
After about a 3 or 4 month's break I continued my search for answers and finally found them. I left the doctor I had been with for years (and got absolutely no where with) and found an awesome OBGYN. She was smart, direct and got straight to the facts and details. Without wasting any time she sent me for an
Hysterosalpingogram x-ray that looks inside of your uterus, fallopian tubes and the area around them. I'll never forget this day for the rest of my life. I remember feeling a bit nervous about the fact that I was going to get an answer to a question I lived with for so many years but I never thought in a million years I was going to be told what I was told on that day.
The doctor instructed me on the procedure he was about to begin. He told me to remain calm, breathe and let him know if I felt any discomfort or pain. He pulled the sonogram machine to my eye view and pointed out my uterus, fallopian tubes and anything surrounding them that we would be taking a look at and then the procedure began. I watched as the dye entered my body. My uterus filled with dye, my .......... ....... . From that moment everything went blank and life pretty much felt like it stopped. The dye never moved from my uterus and my worst fears came true, a disease that I had always feared was now laying on that cold metal table with me. My fallopian tubes were now both blocked from the Endometriosis. The doctor at the x-ray imaging office broke the news to me as if he had just told me what he had just ordered for lunch and I remember my body beginning to tremble and my ears clogging up as if I had just gone deaf. I got up from that table, ran to the bathroom and burst into tears.
What did he just say to me? How could he break this news to me like this? How could this happen to me? Why? How do horrible things like this happen to good people?
The thoughts were endless.
I never got dressed so fast in my life and when I left the exam room I couldn't even walk into the lobby to get my aunt who was waiting for me in the waiting room. I needed air. NOW.
Calling my husband with that news was the hardest thing I probably ever had to do. So many thoughts were going through my head. He didn't sign up for this! I wish I could have told him this before we got married! He wants children, what am I going to do? I just couldn't help but blame myself in every way, shape and form until I heard his voice. We'll get through this. I love you. We'll do whatever we have to do. This has nothing to do with you. You're all I need. His voice felt like a warm, dry blanket on a cold, wet day.
It took weeks to get over the news and I honestly wouldn't say we got over the news but rather processed it in whatever way we both needed too. Tears, love, hugs, long talks, no talking at all, long walks, meditation, sleep, drives, a trip. We did whatever we needed to do to get through the news that we wouldn't be able to conceive on our own and that
IVF was now our only hope of having a child of our own.
Will we let this stop our dream of becoming parents? Of course not. What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger and that's the way we are looking at this. We obviously both never in a million years thought we would ever have to go through this but the reality is... who does?!!! No one wishes this for themselves, no one dreams for this but we're NOT going to let this stop us.
You know, I read so many blogs, Facebook statuses, see tons of pictures from people that are pregnant, just had a baby, have 2 or 3 kids, etc. and I celebrate their joy with them as I would never think negatively towards anyones joy or the gift that they were given by God but I felt the need to speak about what life has presented in OUR lives. I felt the need to speak about life when it might not be going so well. The not so pretty part of life. The reality. Like I mentioned before I'm an extremely private person and but I felt the need to be open about this and my true feelings because I DO KNOW that many women in the world face this issue with me and finding someone or some where you can relate with or that is open about the "not so pretty things in life" is very hard to find.
So to my readers that check my blog on the daily, I just wanted to be open with why I'm not around so much lately and why I might miss a blog here and there in the future and to my readers who may being going through the same thing I am or my readers who want to continue to read about my journey, I've begun a new blog (wanted to keep this separate from A Kiss of Color) called
Addison and Aiden (the two baby names I simply adore) where I will write about our journey through IVF and everything that leads up to the day Eric and I become parents (God willing). I even plan on posting things about babies, posts on baby goods, the works! Positive thinking is a HUGE part of the IVF journey. It's so important to be stress free and have your mind focused on your true goal so anything that is going to keep me there is what I plan on doing, so you're welcome to join us on this journey as we would LOVE to have your support.
Life brings so much. The good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty BUT through it all we MUST have faith, we must believe, we must stay strong. God never throws anything at us that we can't handle.
So stay focused and never forget about your dreams. Dreams only become your reality if you work for them.
P.S: You can find my new blog at
addisonandaiden.blogspot.com. And again, A {Kiss} of Color isn't going anywhere, I just have two separate blogs now.
